Funnies for Friday

From the “Prairie Home Companion” website

What is the difference between a rut and a grave?About six feet.

There are three kinds of people in the world - those who can count, and those who can't. (read it again)

One cannibal says to the other, "You know, every time I eat a missionary, I get sick and throw up." "I know", says the other, "It's hard to keep a good man down."

How are women and elephants alike?They hate mice, never forget, and some days you just wind up dealing with a lot of crap.

A man is weaving down the road when a cop pulls him over. The cop says, "Sir, did you know your wife fell out of the car a few blocks back?" The man says, "Thank God! I thought I went deaf."

“When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.”

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?Only one.But the light bulb has to want to change.

A very genteel Texas lady was driving across a high bridge in Texas one day. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixin' to jump.

She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, "Please don't jump, think of your dear mother and father."

He replied, "Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm going to jump."

She said, "Well, think of your wife and children."

He replied, "I'm not married and I don't have any kids."

She said, "Well, think of the Alamo."

He replied, ''What's the Alamo?''

She replied, ''Well bless your heart, just go ahead and jump, you fool Yankee. "